Why ONLY chaste men are attractive to me personally

[Note: when I say “attractive” in the title, I’m talking about sexually attractive. I will explain later.]

A little over a month ago I wrote about why chaste men are attractive. It was meant to offer a different mindset to show that chastity could potentially be attractive, based on Donal’s PSALM/LAMPS model that describes ways that women are attracted to men. Obviously, a lot of women aren’t attracted to these men (for whatever reason), which is why I wrote it. I figure that planting a seed of a different mindset can potentially change someone’s mind, which I hope that post will do for someone, someday. But, that post barely scratched the surface of why I personally am attracted to them. I limited my assessment to how chastity fits into the PSALM/LAMPS model because that is what has come to be understood around the ‘sphere as attraction traits in men. In the comments, I got a lot of pushback, where people said I was confusing desirability with attraction, which is largely why I’m writing this follow up post. I’m still not convinced that I only desire a chaste man, but am not also attracted to one. So, I’m going to lay it all out on the table now, and see where it takes us. (Note: Even though I won’t be including what I said in the last post in this one, everything I said in the last post still stands. I’m just going to add to it here.)

You’re probably thinking that I’m going to say things like:

~ Chaste men are doing what’s morally right in God’s eyes, which is the kind of man I’m after

~ Chaste men are less likely to commit adultery than promiscuous men

~ Chaste men will have less baggage than promiscuous men (such as with STD’s, out of wedlock children, baby momma drama, etc)

While those things are absolutely true, and very motivating in terms of preferring a chaste man over a promiscuous one, I’m going to put them under the desirability label, rather than the attractive one (which I doubt anyone here will object to). So what other reasons could I possibly have, you may ask? Well, it’s actually related to how I operate emotionally (we women are emotional creatures after all), and it ties in a lot to my personality type (INFJ). (Another note: This post will seem to be all over the place for a while, and won’t seem to have anything to do with a man’s chastity at first, but if you bear with me I will tie it all together by the end of the post).

[Just to provide a bit of perspective, I should point out that it’s the mindset of “I intend to wait until marriage to have sex” part of chastity that I’m focusing on in this post.]

INFJ’s struggle to open themselves up to people, even those closest to them. We keep our true selves hidden behind an almost impenetrable fortress, only letting pieces of ourselves show when we know it is safe to do so. This is very much true of me. I’ve been correctly described as being very insular, in the sense that I’m extremely private and reserved, and am very careful about letting people in (for this reason, I’ve almost chucked this post a number of times, considering how vulnerable and open it requires me to be – far more so than most of you have ever seen me get before. If only you knew how much bravery I’ve been having to muster up to be able to post this publicly…). Even my own family and those that have known me for years only know the superficial things about me, and there’s only been a few people (literally) that I’ve ever really opened up to about any of the deeper things, and only one that I feel like I could tell anything at all to without having to worry about being all-out rejected. This means that I’ve pretty much always felt very, VERY isolated, even if I’m surrounded by other people. Imagine how you would feel if you had to spend your life living on a desert island without another soul to be found, and that would give you an idea of what it’s like.

Aside from the rare person that I feel I can open up to, there is one other thing that makes me feel connected to people… physical touch. Really, any kind of affectionate touch is HUGE to me, because it brings relief to the unbearable isolation and loneliness that are so prominent with me. For example, a good long hug does miracles for me. Long hugs make me melt like ice cream in an oven. They make me feel close to the other person. So if something as simple as a hug can have such an impact on me, just imagine how huge something as physically intimate as sex would be. This is why I take sex so seriously, and can’t fathom the casual sex mindset. Like I said in the comments of the other post:

They [PUA’s] are sexually attractive to women that are pretty much only interested in sex, or that have a more casual attitude about sex (even if they want a LTR). But to me (and I’m sure some other women, though admittedly a minority) they don’t bring any tingles. The difference is in what the woman cares most about, what sex means to her. I see sex quite differently that most women, I think, in that I can’t mentally separate it from a loving committed relationship with a man that loves me and is committed to me in return. I can’t grasp the concept of “casual sex”, or figure out the mindset required to do that. I’ve tried to understand it differently, but it just doesn’t compute. Which is why I’ve only ever been sexually attracted to men that I consider(ed) marrying, and why I’ve said that if a man marries me, he would have zero issues with a lack of sex, but would get as much of it as he wants. [I should’ve said that this is “one of the reasons” my husband would have zero issues with a lack of sex, since I have several.]

Another INFJ trait that plays in here is our extreme sensitivity to rejection. It is excruciating for me when someone that I’m interested in isn’t interested in taking it further with me in return. And that’s not even factoring in the fact that I don’t have sex with them. If I were to have sex with someone, and they later decided to cut ties, that would be something I could never get over. I would rather have my arms and legs ripped off any day than to be separated from someone after having sex with them. It would be far less painful than that rejection would be sure to be. Because of that, sex (in my mind) is directly related to love, committment, and therefore marriage. You (I) only have sex with someone you (I) love, are committed to, and therefore are married to. That’s it. Zero exceptions.

So when I think of a promiscuous man, I think of a man that doesn’t take sex seriously, considering he can “pump and dump” without seeing a problem with it. The idea of marrying a man that views things that way is so uncomforting that I would automatically have my fortress of protection up (that I talked about earlier), meaning I couldn’t be vulnerable with him even if I wanted to be, meaning I couldn’t possibly open myself up to having sex with him (considering the fact that sex is a stunning act of vulnerability). But learning that a man is chaste (aka, is intent on waiting until marriage to have sex), that brings such a level of comfort to me that he takes sex as seriously as I do (even if he has different reasons for doing so). This means that he is far less likely to be leaving the one he has sex with (considering he will be married to her first), meaning I wouldn’t have to worry about being rejected afterwards, meaning I can open myself up to the possibility of having sex with him (assuming a marriage takes place), meaning I can then allow myself to be sexually attracted to him.

Having said that, does that mean I can’t be attracted in other ways to a man, say if I don’t yet know if he is chaste or not? No, I can and do find myself attracted to plenty of men, but that doesn’t mean I’m *sexually* attracted to them. It’s more like, I’m curious about them and want to know more about them. But sexual attraction is only possible for me with men that bring comfort (aka, emotional security) and therefore are men that I would consider marrying. The other kind of attraction that would be there is more along the lines of what Rollo Tomassi talked some about in this post: (note: I don’t understand a lot of what Rollo talks about in this post, as his writing is quite a bit more involved and advanced than my current knowledge of manospherian things. So I’m only pointing out that there are different ways to be attracted to someone based on what part of his post labeled “Arousal vs. Attraction” says… or at least, what I understand it to say, which I admit could be wrong. Rollo, if you read this, please correct me if I misunderstood that part of your post.).

So how does this play out in reality? Say for example, I see some good looking man without a shirt on. If I don’t see him as a marriage prospect, then seeing him brings thoughts like “::sigh::, I wish I had one of my very own”… but it’s not specific to him, but rather is just a general longing for a man, or more specifically: my (hopefully) future man. However, if that man is one that I can see myself marrying (such as a chaste man), then it’s like “::sigh::, I wish I had him all to myself”… it is then specific to him.

Basically, chastity is the key that unlocks the door that leads to sexual attraction (for me). Without it, a man can be interesting and generically (or in a sense, transactionally) attractive to me, but nothing more. And lest anyone argue against there being a need for a sense of comfort and emotional security before sexual attraction can take place… isn’t that how PUA’s operate? By creating a sense of comfort in the women they go after? It just happens to be that a random (or freak) combination of personality traits are present in me that culminate in a man’s chastity being required for that comfort and emotional security to be associated with him. (Note: I’m not calling myself a “special snowflake”, nor do I consider myself to be one. I’m just saying that I’m different than most women in this way. Different doesn’t necessarily mean “special”.)

Does this mean that all a man has to do for me to want him is to be chaste? That he can let himself go in other ways (such as not taking care of his appearance, not having a job that will allow him to provide the basics for a family, etc)? Well, no. I still have the same triggers as other women in terms of the PSALM/LAMPS model. Chastity is simply an extra trait that is required for me to see a man as a marriage prospect for myself. (I should also point out that I don’t expect a man to rank super high in the PSALM/LAMPS qualities, and never have… not that I wouldn’t take one that ranks high if I could get one, just that my standards in those areas aren’t unreasonable. Nearly half of the men I’ve personally known over the years have met my standards in those particular areas. Not just now, but for my whole adult life. The trick for me has been finding a seemingly rare chaste man and getting him to choose me in return.).

I mentioned this in the other post, but I want to point out again that it’s the mindset of chastity that I’m calling attractive. The virginity part of it is the desirable part. Having said that, what about men that are not virgins, became Christians with a genuine conversion, then adopted a chaste mindset and lifestyle after that, and are (from that point on) unwilling to have sex prior to marriage? Or men that have had a chaste mindset and were virgins, but they gave into temptation on one occasion and regret it deeply, repent of it and buckle down to wait until they get married to have sex again? I’ve had the experience of being attracted to both kinds of men, one in each category. Both were chaste at the time that I became attracted to them.

The first one I believed to be a virgin at first due to his stated stance on waiting until marriage to have sex, and was very surprised to learn that he didn’t always think that way. The attraction was already established due to his current mindset (and since his mindset was current, it couldn’t affect my level of attraction for him), but his lack of virginity resulted in a blow to his desirability level.

The second one was still a virgin when I became attracted to him. Then he told me about what he had recently done, and I could tell that he was very troubled by it, and it was clear that he was repenting of it. So since he still intended to live chastely from there on out, it didn’t completely eliminate the attraction that was already there, but like the first scenario it did strike a blow to his desirability level (I very much respected his honesty about it. He could’ve kept it to himself and I never would’ve known, but he chose to be upfront about it. That took a lot of guts.)

And what about my ex-fiance’ that had started pressuring me for sex even though we weren’t married? When I became attracted to him, he had admitted to being a virgin like me (since he had former girlfriends, I figured that must’ve meant he was chaste too), and he didn’t start pressuring me until after talking all the time about us getting married. He kept saying it was just me, so I didn’t feel worried about being rejected afterwards (though I still refrained -difficult as it was-, since we weren’t married, and I had moral/religious reasons at that point for waiting… good thing too considering he ended up bailing!).

I could write about quite a few other reasons why I want a chaste man (a few of which I mentioned near the top of this post), but after thinking quite a bit about them all, and about what attractiveness and desirability are, I think the rest of them (while no less important) belong under the desirability label.

So, are there any objections, based on what is written here, to me still saying that I’m both attracted to and desiring of a chaste man? If so, why?